Discipline
Even though it's no one's favorite part of parenting, disciplining our children (aka: teaching them what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior) is an important part of helping kids thrive and be successful. When most of us hear 'discipline', we automatically think punishment - but discipline has much more to do with establishing and maintaining clear boundaries than it does with timeouts.
What experts are saying: Parents should maintain a clear authority about what is right and wrong behavior without veering into authoritarianism ("Do it because I said so!), or not enforcing boundaries through permissive parenting (for further details, check out the Parenting Styles section) - something that is easier said than done! So how can we best enforce the rules that we set? WebMD offers several helpful suggestions:
If you need to punish your child, consider the following methods:
What our faith says: Although you've probably heard the phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" as a biblical justification for punishment, that phrase does not appear in the Bible! There is a closely related passage in the Book of Proverbs (Proverbs 13:24) that states "Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them". Leaving aside the obvious cultural differences of how children would be punished in biblical times (we've since learned the dangers of spanking/physical punishment), the second half of the phrase gets into the heart of the matter. Part of showing love to our children is disciplining them - not for the sake of punishment, but in helping them grow into the best that they can be.
For further reading/reflection:
https://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/discipline-tactics#1
https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/preschool/discipline-guide/
https://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/
What experts are saying: Parents should maintain a clear authority about what is right and wrong behavior without veering into authoritarianism ("Do it because I said so!), or not enforcing boundaries through permissive parenting (for further details, check out the Parenting Styles section) - something that is easier said than done! So how can we best enforce the rules that we set? WebMD offers several helpful suggestions:
- Guide your discipline techniques to fit well with your child's temperament.The key to effective discipline is to understand who your child is, especially his temperamental style, and use your discipline to help him achieve his potential given those talents and tendencies. But your goal should not be to turn him into someone he is not (for example, to turn a boisterous intense child into a mellow laid-back one).
- Communicate your discipline plan. Discipline techniques shouldn't come "out of the blue," especially if you're trying something new. To children who are old enough to understand, during a planned discussion (not in the heat of the moment) explain the technique, why you are using it, and what you hope it will accomplish. Older children may be included in choosing which rewards and consequences would be appropriate.
- Be respectful of your child. If you show your child respect -- even when disciplining your child -- your child is more likely to respect you, other family members, and other people in his or her life. If you "lose it" or overreact with disrespect, apologize. Behave the way you want your child to behave.
- Reward good behavior with verbal praise. Although we often forget to do it, praising our children when we witness them doing good behavior will likely do far more than punishing bad behavior. Your child will learn that their positive behaviors will illicit attention and praise from their parents, thus encouraging them to do those things more!
- Be consistent. Any technique will fail if you don't follow through or enforce consequences consistently. If you say, for example, that toys will be off limits for a week, then take them away if the offending behavior continues. Don't break your discipline rules by giving in during public exhibitions of bad behavior, such as a child throwing a tantrum while shopping. If you give in to the child's demands, the tantrums will continue. Try to keep your goals and your techniques consistent over time. If more than one adult is responsible for the child's discipline, be sure you agree about the approaches you will use.
- When it's done, it's done. After the consequence is over or the time has been served, don't ask for apologies or continue to lecture about the behavior. Help your child return to an appropriate activity.
- Understand what's appropriate for your child's development. Before disciplining a child, make sure that the child really did understand what you asked him or her to do. Sometimes parents make demands for behavior that is beyond the child's ability to comply. Just like other skills in life, behaviors often need to be "grown into."
- Look for the "why" behind behaviors. If you notice a pattern of inappropriate behavior, part of the solution is to look for "whys." For example, perhaps your child is upset about something else, such as a friend moving away. Maybe your child had a bad day at school. Perhaps your child feels stressed about family problems. Maybe he is tired or hungry.
If you need to punish your child, consider the following methods:
- Discussing consequences or, if needed, experiencing consequences. While you obviously should not let your child experience something that would cause them harm, sometimes letting them experience the outcome of bad behavior (such as: throwing toys leads to them breaking or being taken away) teaches important lessons.
- Taking away privileges. From losing dessert to screen time, oftentimes a loss of special privileges can send a clear message about the consequences of a child's behavior, particularly if the consequence is related to their negative behavior. Be prepared to follow through rather than giving several warnings -- kids will learn that they can push boundaries several times without consequences if you don't follow through.
- Give them timeouts. Experts generally recommend establishing a place for timeouts ahead of time (preferably in a boring location) and giving a minute of timeout for every year of your child's age.
- Do NOT spank your child. Although some of us may have grown up in households where spanking was part one's punishment, numerous studies have shown that children who are spanked are more likely to be aggressive and see it as acceptable to physically hurt someone else to get what they want.
What our faith says: Although you've probably heard the phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" as a biblical justification for punishment, that phrase does not appear in the Bible! There is a closely related passage in the Book of Proverbs (Proverbs 13:24) that states "Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them". Leaving aside the obvious cultural differences of how children would be punished in biblical times (we've since learned the dangers of spanking/physical punishment), the second half of the phrase gets into the heart of the matter. Part of showing love to our children is disciplining them - not for the sake of punishment, but in helping them grow into the best that they can be.
For further reading/reflection:
https://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/discipline-tactics#1
https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/preschool/discipline-guide/
https://www.parents.com/kids/discipline/