Divorce
No one enters into a marriage intending to get divorced, but sometimes divorce is the healthiest option for couples whom have grown far enough apart that it is affecting their well-being and the well-being of their family. Divorce is a decision that should never be made lightly, but if you and your spouse have decided that it is the only way forward then it is important to think through how this will impact your children for their long-term health and well-being.
What experts are saying: Divorce is a highly emotional and stressful time when no one feels at their best, but most couples can agree that they want to do what's best for their kids. As you prepare to share the news with your children, or if you are struggling to think through what will be best for them, please keep the following things in mind:
What our faith says: As stated above, divorce is something that should not be considered lightly. The vows made during a wedding service are sacred promises to God and one another, and we should make every effort to maintain those vows, whether via counseling or through open, honest discussions with our spouse. However, when remaining in a marriage means ongoing physical, emotional, or psychological harm to one or both parties, then I believe that divorce can be a faithful option. No one should remain in a verbally or physically abusive relationship -- if you or someone you care about is in a relationship like that, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800) 799-7233 or by visiting https://www.thehotline.org/
For further reading/reflection:
https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/age-by-age-guide-to-what-children-understand-about-divorce/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/children-and-divorce.htm
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/splitopia/201503/yes-you-can-raise-happy-children-after-divorce
What experts are saying: Divorce is a highly emotional and stressful time when no one feels at their best, but most couples can agree that they want to do what's best for their kids. As you prepare to share the news with your children, or if you are struggling to think through what will be best for them, please keep the following things in mind:
- Be open and honest without going into too much detail. It's OK to tell kids that you and your spouse can't get along any more, or cite specific examples that they might have witnessed, but you don't need to get too deep into the details. Be calm and matter-of-fact in sharing your decision to divorce; use friends and family members to process your own grief at the divorce rather than your children.
- Remind your child that you both love them deeply and that nothing will change that. The idea that love can disappear can be a very frightening thing for many children. Reassure them that your love for them will not change no matter what, and that you'll both be there for them moving forward (with the exception of abusive households, in which case you can emphasize that your spouse needs time to get better).
- Reassure them that this is not their fault. Many children, particularly younger children, will assume that they did something to cause the divorce. Continue to emphasize that this is between you and your spouse, and that it has nothing to do with them.
- Answer any questions that they have, or address changes that might occur. You may not have all of the details figured out, but try to be clear about changes that you expect to occur (again without going into great detail). Children will want information about how the divorce will affect them and avoiding talking about it can backfire.
- Try to avoid blaming or bad-mouthing your spouse in front of your children. Although this may be difficult if you are going through an acrimonious divorce, remember that you and your spouse are still your child's parents and it is important for him/her to maintain a relationship with both of you. Find a friend or family member with whom you can vent rather than with your child.
- Maintain a consistent routine in your home life, despite this major family change. In the midst of wider changes, having a consistent rhythm and routine is important, particularly if your child will be spending time between two different places. Work with your ex-spouse to ensure that house rules are fairly similar, because that consistency will help your children's well-being.
- Allow children continued time and space to grieve. It will almost certainly take a long time for children to process their feelings around a divorce, not only over months, but over years. Although there may be times when you need to not talk about it, try to be open to continued conversations with your children.
What our faith says: As stated above, divorce is something that should not be considered lightly. The vows made during a wedding service are sacred promises to God and one another, and we should make every effort to maintain those vows, whether via counseling or through open, honest discussions with our spouse. However, when remaining in a marriage means ongoing physical, emotional, or psychological harm to one or both parties, then I believe that divorce can be a faithful option. No one should remain in a verbally or physically abusive relationship -- if you or someone you care about is in a relationship like that, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 (800) 799-7233 or by visiting https://www.thehotline.org/
For further reading/reflection:
https://www.parents.com/parenting/divorce/coping/age-by-age-guide-to-what-children-understand-about-divorce/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/parenting-family/children-and-divorce.htm
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/splitopia/201503/yes-you-can-raise-happy-children-after-divorce