Death
We all know that death is a part of life. At the same time, talking about death - particularly when it concerns someone our children were close to - can be one of the more challenging things that we do as parents. There is no one size fits all approach to this conversation - kids process death differently based on their developmental stage and their particular personalities - but hopefully these tips can help you in your conversations.
What experts are saying: Being able to process the emotions and reality of death are vital for children, but they need to know that you will be a receptive listener. The most important gift that you can give your child after the death of a loved one is the gift of your presence and your love.
What our faith says: Our faith has a great deal to say about life after death, but we should first and foremost be careful to not minimize how we or our kids are feeling in the present. We believe that Jesus' resurrection means that we will be with God in the afterlife and we give deep thanks for that, but we will also miss our loved one deeply here on earth. Perhaps the greatest example of this comes from John 11 as Jesus, even though he knew full well that Lazarus would rise and live again, still wept at Lazarus' death. We still grieve our loved one's death fully, even as we maintain our hope that through Christ's deep and abiding love, we can never be separated from God. In the words of Paul in his letter to the Romans, chapter 8: "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
For further reading/reflection:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death
https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/talking-to-kids-about-death/
https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-a-parent/communication/talk-to-kids-death/
What experts are saying: Being able to process the emotions and reality of death are vital for children, but they need to know that you will be a receptive listener. The most important gift that you can give your child after the death of a loved one is the gift of your presence and your love.
- Be open and honest about what has happened, including being vulnerable with your emotions. Often times we try to shield children from emotional pain, but it keeps them from being able to process what has happened.
- Answer any questions that your child might have, saying "I don't know" if you don't know the answer and/or asking them what they think. If children think that talking about death is taboo, it can make them even more afraid and it doesn't allow them to process their own feelings.
- Create or participate in a ritual to remember and celebrate that person's life. This does not need to be at a funeral or memorial service (although that too can be helpful - just make sure that children are prepared for what they'll see). Any opportunity to remember your loved one, whether by sharing stories or specific memories, will be helpful.
- Let them grieve in their own way. As with adults, not every child will grieve in the same way. Some will need time to process the news in stages, others may be overcome by their grief, and others may not show much on the surface.
- Continue to reflect or talk about your loved ones' death as it comes up in the future. The full weight of your loved ones' absence may not hit children right away, or may come during holidays and traditions. Continue to do all of the above steps and continue to let your child know that you miss this person too.
- Remind them that you love them. This isn't done to fix their feelings -- it's just always important to remind children of how deeply you love them!
What our faith says: Our faith has a great deal to say about life after death, but we should first and foremost be careful to not minimize how we or our kids are feeling in the present. We believe that Jesus' resurrection means that we will be with God in the afterlife and we give deep thanks for that, but we will also miss our loved one deeply here on earth. Perhaps the greatest example of this comes from John 11 as Jesus, even though he knew full well that Lazarus would rise and live again, still wept at Lazarus' death. We still grieve our loved one's death fully, even as we maintain our hope that through Christ's deep and abiding love, we can never be separated from God. In the words of Paul in his letter to the Romans, chapter 8: "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
For further reading/reflection:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/two-takes-depression/201612/the-dos-and-donts-talking-child-about-death
https://www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/development/social/talking-to-kids-about-death/
https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-a-parent/communication/talk-to-kids-death/